For some, this will be the hardest pill to swallow: forgiveness—of self and of others—is an essential, often agonizing, step in the brutal process of healing from a Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Releasing resentment and shame frees us from the suffocating chains of the past. You have to let that corrosive poison go.
Why Forgiveness is So Challenging in Early Recovery
Forgiveness is difficult for anyone, but it’s compounded in the fragile, early stages of recovery. The simple truth is that the devastation caused by active addiction often feels too fresh, too raw, and too overwhelming to address:
1. The Weight of Shame and Guilt
The person in recovery must first grapple with the magnitude of the harm they caused while using. This isn’t just about mistakes; it’s about lies told, money stolen, relationships broken, and opportunities lost. The shame and guilt can be so paralyzing that the idea of deserving forgiveness—especially self-forgiveness—feels impossible, leading to a vicious cycle of self-punishment.
2. Deep-Seated Resentment
Many people enter recovery carrying deep resentment toward others. This might be anger at family members who they feel judged them, institutions that failed them, or people who they believe introduced them to drugs or alcohol. This resentment acts as a toxic shield, protecting the person from painful emotions but also blocking them from connection and peace.
3. The Fear of Vulnerability
To ask for forgiveness or to offer it requires vulnerability. It means admitting full responsibility for your actions (no excuses), accepting the pain others feel, and exposing yourself to rejection or further pain. In early recovery, when emotional defenses are high, this level of naked honesty can be terrifying.
Taking the First Steps: A Journey of Action
Forgiveness isn’t a single event; it’s a process of release—a decision you make over and over again. Here are the crucial first steps to begin shattering those chains:
1. Own Your Part (The Amends Process)
In many recovery programs, this starts with the inventory and amends process. Forgiving yourself becomes possible when you acknowledge, with unflinching honesty, the exact nature of your wrongs. This isn’t about wallowing in shame, but about separating the disease of addiction from your actions while sick, and committing to making things right. You can’t change the past, but you can change the present by making a living amends—changing your behavior and becoming a trustworthy, reliable person.
2. Separate the Person from the Pain
When forgiving others (or even yourself), it helps to try to separate the person from the painful act. Addiction, trauma, and mental illness often drive destructive behaviors. Understanding that hurt people hurt people—yourself included—can soften the sharp edges of blame and resentment, making room for empathy and release.
3. Focus on Today, Not Yesterday
Shame and resentment are rooted in the past. Freedom is found in the present. When the old thoughts surface, practice mindfulness. Gently redirect your mind to what you can control right now: your actions, your attitude, and your recovery work. Every day you choose recovery, you are giving yourself a fresh start.
The Ultimate Release: Forgiveness Through a Higher Power
My Experience: Forgiving myself for the absolute destruction I wrought, and finally letting go of the searing resentment towards others, was a long, arduous, and deeply painful process. But it was absolutely crucial for moving forward, for truly living in authentic freedom.
For countless people in recovery, true, soul-deep forgiveness comes only through a relationship with God or a Higher Power. Here’s why this spiritual foundation is so vital:
- The Power to Lift the Burden: The weight of personal sin and harm is often too heavy for one person to carry. A spiritual path provides a safe place to lay that burden down. By acknowledging a power greater than yourself, you can surrender the need to control the past and instead receive grace.
- Access to Unconditional Love: Many in recovery have spent their lives feeling unforgivable. A relationship with a loving Higher Power introduces the concept of unconditional forgiveness and acceptance. This is the spiritual balm that heals the deepest wounds of shame, allowing a person to finally believe they are worthy of a new life.
- Freedom from the Need for Vengeance: Resentment is often a disguised wish for justice or vengeance. Turning your will and life over to the care of God (or your understanding of a Higher Power) means trusting that true justice and peace will be handled by a force far wiser than you. It allows you to stop acting as judge and jury over yourself and others.
Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened was okay; it’s about saying, “I refuse to let the pain of the past destroy my future.” By humbly taking the steps to make amends, release resentments, and seek spiritual grace, you finally shatter the chains of the past and step fully into the authentic freedom of recovery.
What is one person, living or deceased, whom you need to forgive today—either for a wrong they committed or for the wrong you committed against them?